MAKE IT FUNNY 2

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A man who was outside in the rain without an umbrella or hat didn’t get a single hair on his head wet. Why?
 
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
 
Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."
 
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
 
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.
 
My daughter isn’t fond of fairy tales. She finds them too unrealistic. My husband, trying to prove her wrong (apparently) reads the Grimms’ tales to her before bed. Once I was passing by her room and I heard, “And pigeons pecked out the evil sisters’ eyes...” Almost losing consciousness, my catastrophic thinking instantly had me calculating how much I would have to pay a therapist to help my girl and how I should kill my own husband. I storm in, trying to stop this thriller as soon as possible, and see my daughter grinning in her bed. “Now, thaaat’s what I call a fairy tale. Quite realistic.”
 
I twisted my ankle so I was lying in bed. All the household chores, the kids, and our cat were my husband’s responsibilities. One day, my daughter storms in and goes, “Dad, what was THIS doing in the dishwashing machine?” Her father says, “I used THIS to fry potatoes. Why?” “But isn’t it some tool for our cat?” Terrified and amused at the same time, I looked at THIS thing and it was a cat litter shovel. A new one though, to everyone’s relief.
 
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