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AB

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Jokes

A teacher was taking a class about social etiquette and good manners.

Teacher: If you were having dinner with a beautiful young girl and you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?

Jamie: Hold on for a sec, I need to take a piss.

Teacher: That sounds very rude and unplesant.

Charlie: Please excuse me I need to do a number 1, I’ll be back in a minute.

Teacher: That’s polite but it sounds very unpleasant.

Johnny: My dear, could you excuse me for a moment? I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to introduce to you after dinner.




[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBehwynET2w[/ame]
 
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”




A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? --Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? -- It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge? -- No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like? -- All my relations still in Poland

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? -- We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? -- No, I am always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger? -- No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce? --She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? --I got proof.

What kind of proof? -- She going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.




I can read, and it say:


'Polish Remover'.



Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole, The ball hit one of the men, He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken."
 
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Lol nice ones. :laugh:


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
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A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

----------------------------

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
 
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Two people sitting in a restaurant.

First: Hey, drink up the coffee quick!
Second: What's wrong?
First: See, Cold coffee is 40 bucks and hot is just 20 bucks! Drink it while its hot!
 
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Kshitiz said:
Two people sitting in a restaurant.

First: Hey, drink up the coffee quick!
Second: What's wrong?
First: See, Cold coffee is 40 bucks and hot is just 20 bucks! Drink it while its hot!
Click to expand...

:confused: I don't get it??
 
Re: Jokes

edladd said:
Kshitiz said:
Two people sitting in a restaurant.

First: Hey, drink up the coffee quick!
Second: What's wrong?
First: See, Cold coffee is 40 bucks and hot is just 20 bucks! Drink it while its hot!
Click to expand...

:confused: I don't get it??
JonAd said:
I'm with you on that - it's lost me.
Click to expand...
Click to expand...

Lol. That means that he had bought hot coffee and he thought that he would have to pay double the amount if he drinks it when it gets "cold".

Humph, that destroys the fun actually. ::)
 
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Hahaha lol. I got a few lawyer jokes.


A laywer was on his deathbed.

He called for his wife, and after she arrived he told her to run and get her Bible as soon as possible. So she ran and got her Bible, preparing to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her as soon as she got back though, and began to rapidly thumb through the pages, quickly scanning them as they leafed passed.

His wife was curious about his behavior and asked him, "What are you doing, honey?"

He simply replied, "I'm looking for loopholes!"



A local charity had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called to get a contribution.
"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"
The lawyer replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with medical bills several times her annual income?"
"Um, no," mumbled the director.
"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?" The stricken director began to stammer an appology.
"Or that my sister's husband died in an accident," said the lawyer, his voice rising inindignation, "leaving her penniless with three kids?"
The humiliated director said simply,"I had no idea."
"So, if I don't give any money to them, why would I give money to you?"
 
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haha

The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.

"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.

"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.



erm....Fit for cricket

'You have to be fit to play cricket, don't you?'

'You certainly do. I get up at five, run for two miles, come back and do four hours of exercises'

'How long have you been doing it?'

'I start tomorrow.'
 
Re: Jokes

Kshitiz said:
Lol. That means that he had bought hot coffee and he thought that he would have to pay double the amount if he drinks it when it gets "cold".
Click to expand...

I don't mean to flog this to death or anything - but, what I don't get is why a shop is selling cold coffee? Do you mean like an "Ice Frappacino" or something like that?
 
Re: Jokes

This is a good one : A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
 
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"Forget about Natural food - I'm so old I need all the preservatives I can get!!" I forget who said it but still think its funny!
 
Re: Jokes

edladd said:
I don't mean to flog this to death or anything - but, what I don't get is why a shop is selling cold coffee? Do you mean like an "Ice Frappacino" or something like that?
Click to expand...
Lol forget about it. It was a bad joke.

Texan: Where do you come from?
Harvard Graduate: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.
Texan: Okay, where do you come from, jackass?
 
Re: Jokes

My favorite joke:
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a Double Entendre, so he gives her one!!!!
 
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