King Pietersen
sC Player of the Month June '08
Re: Jokes
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp ? He bought a warehouse.
I'm here all week.
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp ? He bought a warehouse.
I'm here all week.
Jokes
- Thread starter AB
- Start date
Jelly Beanz
New Member
Re: Jokes
Sorry, I don't follow...
King Pietersen said:
Sorry, I don't follow...
King Pietersen
sC Player of the Month June '08
Re: Jokes
A pimp would buy a wh0.re....house
The dyslexic pimp buys a warehouse
A pimp would buy a wh0.re....house
The dyslexic pimp buys a warehouse
Jelly Beanz
New Member
Re: Jokes
oh, that makes more sense!!
I heard one the other day: What makes 9 out of 10 people happy??
Gang rape
NOTE: simplycricket in no way endorses/encourages/normalises gang rape of any kind.
oh, that makes more sense!!
I heard one the other day: What makes 9 out of 10 people happy??
Gang rape
NOTE: simplycricket in no way endorses/encourages/normalises gang rape of any kind.
edladd
New Member
Re: Jokes
Wow - some people have a woeful tasteless sense of humour!!!
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he
comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is
greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray
beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up
for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition.
If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will
inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures
known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be
pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was
young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was
obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't
keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and
went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear
it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of
passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept
back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his
eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on
it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's
the best the old man can do then I don't have much to
worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window
and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed
another note on it that read
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.
" In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was
already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few
broken bones was better than castration he jumped out
of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large
sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.
Wow - some people have a woeful tasteless sense of humour!!!
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he
comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is
greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray
beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up
for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition.
If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will
inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures
known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be
pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was
young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was
obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't
keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and
went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear
it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of
passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept
back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his
eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on
it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's
the best the old man can do then I don't have much to
worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window
and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed
another note on it that read
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.
" In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was
already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few
broken bones was better than castration he jumped out
of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large
sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.
:laugh:King Pietersen
sC Player of the Month June '08
Re: Jokes
[ame=http://youtube.com/watch?v=WNRrodgBEhk] Note: Jason Rouse does though
[/ame]
Jelly Beanz said:oh, that makes more sense!!
I heard one the other day: What makes 9 out of 10 people happy??
Gang rape
NOTE: simplycricket in no way endorses/encourages/normalises gang rape of any kind.
[ame=http://youtube.com/watch?v=WNRrodgBEhk] Note: Jason Rouse does though
[/ame]
Virendersingh.berthwal
Active Member
Re: Jokes
Couple of them more;
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one.
He wrote
"Due to Rain,No Match!"
Man had twins;
He named them Tin & Martin.
Again had twins and named them Peter & Repeater.
Again twins and named them Max & Climax.
Again the same. Disgusted he named them
Tired & Retired!
Man tells a girl "Come 2 my house at night, nobody
Will b there.............
Girl goes at night & really nobody was there.
This is one of the popular Santa & Banta jokes.
Banta receives a letter: Your daughter has died.
Depressed, he jumps from the 100th floor.
At 50th floor he remembers; Oyee..I don't have a daughter!
At 25th floor:I'm not married!
At 10th floor:Oyeee......I'm Banta and not santa.
Couple of them more;
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one.
He wrote
"Due to Rain,No Match!"
Man had twins;
He named them Tin & Martin.
Again had twins and named them Peter & Repeater.
Again twins and named them Max & Climax.
Again the same. Disgusted he named them
Tired & Retired!
Man tells a girl "Come 2 my house at night, nobody
Will b there.............
Girl goes at night & really nobody was there.
This is one of the popular Santa & Banta jokes.
Banta receives a letter: Your daughter has died.
Depressed, he jumps from the 100th floor.
At 50th floor he remembers; Oyee..I don't have a daughter!
At 25th floor:I'm not married!
At 10th floor:Oyeee......I'm Banta and not santa.
Virendersingh.berthwal
Active Member
Re: Jokes
Few more
1) Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
2) Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
3) 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
4) Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
5) Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
6) First Guy says (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Few more
1) Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
2) Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
3) 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
4) Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
5) Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
6) First Guy says (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
I
imported_Waleed
Guest
Re: Jokes
Elephant Time
A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgot his watch. He searches for someone who could give him the time.
He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me, sir," says the young man "Do you know what time it is?"
The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.
"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00," the zoo keeper responds.
The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."
Elephant Time
A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgot his watch. He searches for someone who could give him the time.
He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me, sir," says the young man "Do you know what time it is?"
The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.
"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00," the zoo keeper responds.
The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."
Jonesy
Active Member
Re: Jokes
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the
hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting
messages of sympathy from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son
rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer
screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was
P.S. Sure is f...king hot down here!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on. She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. She said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"OK, sure" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "Wow, that's right! alright take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer shouted "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the
hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting
messages of sympathy from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son
rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer
screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was
P.S. Sure is f...king hot down here!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on. She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. She said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"OK, sure" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "Wow, that's right! alright take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer shouted "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ag23
Member
Re: Jokes
Ok there are 3 ladies and they are ship recked on an island. One is a red head, another is a brunette the other a blonde. They spot a island so they decide to swim there and they all decided to breast stroke there. The brunette reaches there in 25 min. the readhead in 35 min and the blonde in 1h 25 min.
The brunette asked the blonde "y did u take so long" the blonde said " u cheated you were using your hands.
I have more but too lazy to post them rite now
Ok there are 3 ladies and they are ship recked on an island. One is a red head, another is a brunette the other a blonde. They spot a island so they decide to swim there and they all decided to breast stroke there. The brunette reaches there in 25 min. the readhead in 35 min and the blonde in 1h 25 min.
The brunette asked the blonde "y did u take so long" the blonde said " u cheated you were using your hands.
I have more but too lazy to post them rite now
Virendersingh.berthwal
Active Member
Re: Jokes
*One day while walking down the street a highly successfull
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. *
*Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.
Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it
seems we have a problem. *
*You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager
make it this far and *
*we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. *
*What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven
and then you can choose *
*whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said
the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green
of a beautiful golf course. *
*In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all
her friends - fellow executives that *
*she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and
cheering for her. *
*They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
*
*They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner .
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind** of cute) and
she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. *
*She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to
leave. *
*Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found
St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. *
*o she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the
harp and singing. *
*She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, *
*Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in
Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down
back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland *
*covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and
were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a country club *
*and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a
wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told... **
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"*
*One day while walking down the street a highly successfull
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. *
*Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.
Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it
seems we have a problem. *
*You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager
make it this far and *
*we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. *
*What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven
and then you can choose *
*whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said
the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green
of a beautiful golf course. *
*In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all
her friends - fellow executives that *
*she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and
cheering for her. *
*They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
*
*They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner .
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind** of cute) and
she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. *
*She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to
leave. *
*Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found
St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. *
*o she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the
harp and singing. *
*She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, *
*Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in
Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down
back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland *
*covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and
were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a country club *
*and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a
wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told... **
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"*
Re: Jokes
A farther bought his son a robot which slaps you when you tell lies. So, one day the son came home late from school & his farther asked why he was late? The son said, he went to the park. The robot got up & slaped the boy. The farther asked him again & the son said, he went to his friends house. The robot slaped him again. The farther then said to him, tell me the truth. The boy then said he went to see Red Hot Queen at the cinema. The farther then said to the boy, son when I was your age I never went to see these kind of movies. The robot got up & slaped him. The mother came & said, 'well he's your son'. The robot got up & slaped her.
A farther bought his son a robot which slaps you when you tell lies. So, one day the son came home late from school & his farther asked why he was late? The son said, he went to the park. The robot got up & slaped the boy. The farther asked him again & the son said, he went to his friends house. The robot slaped him again. The farther then said to him, tell me the truth. The boy then said he went to see Red Hot Queen at the cinema. The farther then said to the boy, son when I was your age I never went to see these kind of movies. The robot got up & slaped him. The mother came & said, 'well he's your son'. The robot got up & slaped her.
Virendersingh.berthwal
Active Member
Re: Jokes
A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make Rhymes with their names.
1) First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.
My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan ,
If I can, If I can, If I can.
"Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it was now her turn.
My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can, if I can.
"That is very good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will change your mind."
Next up was Glenn . He was the naughty one in the class.Here is his Rhyme:
My name is Glenn,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind going to India or Japan,
For I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,
I know, I can, I can, I can.
A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make Rhymes with their names.
1) First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.
My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan ,
If I can, If I can, If I can.
"Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it was now her turn.
My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can, if I can.
"That is very good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will change your mind."
Next up was Glenn . He was the naughty one in the class.Here is his Rhyme:
My name is Glenn,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind going to India or Japan,
For I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,
I know, I can, I can, I can.
Jonesy
Active Member
Re: Jokes
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
The others all gasp in horror and tell the fourth man he should be ashamed of his son.
The fourth man continues "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Nuns in a bath.
Nun 1: Where's the soap?
Nun 2: Yes it does.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 scouse islamic terrorists: Bin Muggin, Bin Thiven and Bin Dealin. However there was no sign of Bin Workin..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three ducks go into a bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?" he asked. "Great Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
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There's a nun in her bath, relaxing, when she hears a knock on the door.
She says, 'Who is it?', and a man behind the door replies, 'It's the blind man.'
Not wanting her 'body' to be exposed, she willingly let's the blind man in.
The blind man enters the room, pauses for a second, and says 'Hey, nice **** love, where'd you want the blinds?'
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A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the
class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum
said it was contagious".
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else
try"? Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma
says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious".
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else"?
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish
voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch
brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
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Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
The others all gasp in horror and tell the fourth man he should be ashamed of his son.
The fourth man continues "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."
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Two Nuns in a bath.
Nun 1: Where's the soap?
Nun 2: Yes it does.
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Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 scouse islamic terrorists: Bin Muggin, Bin Thiven and Bin Dealin. However there was no sign of Bin Workin..
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Three ducks go into a bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?" he asked. "Great Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
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There's a nun in her bath, relaxing, when she hears a knock on the door.
She says, 'Who is it?', and a man behind the door replies, 'It's the blind man.'
Not wanting her 'body' to be exposed, she willingly let's the blind man in.
The blind man enters the room, pauses for a second, and says 'Hey, nice **** love, where'd you want the blinds?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the
class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum
said it was contagious".
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else
try"? Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma
says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious".
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else"?
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish
voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch
brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"
Virendersingh.berthwal
Active Member
Re: Jokes
1) What is the difference between a prayer in the church and prayer in the Casino?
In the casino u really mean it.
2) At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."
God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.
God said to the first line, "You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose.
Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me How did you come to be in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
1) What is the difference between a prayer in the church and prayer in the Casino?
In the casino u really mean it.
2) At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."
God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.
God said to the first line, "You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose.
Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me How did you come to be in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."