Jokes

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someblokecalleddave

someblokecalleddave

Well-Known Member
I used to work on building sites and used to hear good Jokes all the time, teacher now and they just don't tell Jokes. It's like jokes have gone out of fashion. I heard one yesterday I liked so here goes...

I saw a tractor just go down the road with a big sign on the back that read "The end is nigh", I think it was Farmer Geddon.

I suppose I'd better say - keep em clean and inoffensive and I wouldn't be surprised if the mods don't get called in after a few get posted up...
 
Moses comes down from the mountain with the stone tablets and says
"The good news is I have gotten him down to ten. The bad news is adultery is still one of them"
 
I was reading an article in the paper the other day about a midget getting robbed. How could someone stoop that low?

Q. Whats the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
A. Outlaws are wanted.
 
Two dolphins were having a chat and one turns to the other.
"I might get myself a tattoo".
"Oh yeah, what do you reckon you'll have"?
"I think I'm going to go for one on my shoulder, maybe one of the those big fat bogan/chav birds".
 
Two Chemists walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have some H2O".
The second one says "I'll have some H2O too".
The second Chemist dies.


Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve Nobel gases here".
He doesn't react.
 
Want a good laugh? It's not a joke, but just spend a few minutes listening to this bloke. This bloke needs to get out more as do an awful lot of these people especially those from the USA.
 
Why Are Men Happier?

Men are just happier people; what do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too yucky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $4000. Morning Suit rental-$200.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
 
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